I am a 42-year-old man. I was born in Jamaica but I came to America when I was in my teens. When I was in Jamaica, I went to church every Sunday. I finished high school and went on to college. I met a young woman and we got married. Our marriage did not work because she was always listening to her mother, and whatever her mother told her to do, she followed. One of the mistakes I made was that I joined the church she attended. They were trying to force me to follow certain doctrine. They believe in the washing of feet and they did it several times a year. There were other things involved so I left the church and went back to my old church.

I went to convention in Jamaica almost every year and there I met a wonderful young woman. She was always well-dressed. I enquired about her and I was told that she was a lovely woman. She was glad to talk to me. I had to return to America because of my job, but we talked on the phone everyday.

I fell in love with her. She told me she did not have a man. I asked her if she ever had a man, and she said not since she became Christian. She did not have children. I came back to Jamaica just to visit her. I could not convince her to have sex with me. She convinced me that she was almost a saint. She was living on her own and although I slept on the same bed with her, she did not allow me to do anything sexual with her.

Pastor, we got married. After we started to have sex, she was like a tigress in bed. I could not believe what I was experiencing. I asked her how she had not been having sex yet she was so aggressive in bed. She said everything was stored up in her waiting for a good man. Common sense told me that could not be true. Sometimes when we finish having sex, she asks me how come I can’t go longer. She gives me oral sex and wants me to do it to her.

I found out that where she was living was not where she grew up. I found out from the people in that area that she did not have a good reputation. She slept with different guys from that area and that helped me to understand that she was a hypocrite.

I questioned her about our sex life. I let her know that I did not believe what she pretended to be when I just met her. She said that she did not do anything wrong and I should not judge her from what I heard. I am worried because I am wondering why she lied and pretended that she was not having sex when she had many guys in her life. Do you think that this woman will be faithful? She is never satisfied sexually. I am hoping to hear from you soon.


Dear O.,

Your first marriage did not work but we cannot start from there because that is water under the bridge. What I am concerned about is that you allowed this woman to fool you.

Having said that, I am wondering whether it is the right thing I should say. You met this woman in church, you admired her. She always dressed well, and you loved that. Both of you talked every day and eventually you got married. She was not willing to engage in pre-marital sex, but after you got married, you found out that you could hardly manage. She was not as docile as you thought.

She actively participates in the act. Whether this woman had a million men before she married you is not important. Her past is the past. She was under no obligation to divulge anything about her past to you. So I am going ask you to stop fretting yourself about this woman and questioning whether she will be faithful to you. If you cannot manage very well, I suggest that both of you make an appointment to see a family counsellor or a sex therapist for sessions.



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